My mother screamed. A lot. Her mother did too, and I’ve noticed that I scream a lot, too. When I look in the mirror after screaming, I see a mistake. When the moment has passed and I have time to reflect, I ask myself if I have control over it.
If I was raised to react to frustration or misbehavior in this way, even if I want to do things differently, is it too late to change?
Being yelled at might be a walk in the park compared to what you went through as a child. And if you’re like me, you may have had a great mother who was human and therefore made mistakes.
Are you worried that your childhood wounds are showing up in your child’s parenting? If you want to do things differently but aren’t sure how to be a good parent when you yourself were hurt as a child, here are some encouragement and a few things to equip you.
Your children are actually little life coaches.
I’ve always said that my children have allowed me to know God differently, but they’ve also taught me to know myself differently. Children force us to see parts of ourselves that we may have kept hidden until we became mothers.
I get angry easily, but I keep it bottled up until the pressure builds to the point of explosion. My relationships with other adults never bring me to that level of anger, but my children… oh my God!
My children have shown me that there’s a part of me that has room to grow and change. I also see my older son lose his temper, just like I do, and I know I have to do the work to set a better example for him.
If motherhood has made you aware of the baggage you’ve been carrying since childhood, be grateful because it means you know where you need healing and growth.
So start by working on yourself.
List your strengths and weaknesses .
Why list your strengths when you’re trying to grow? Shouldn’t you focus on what needs to change?
You list your strengths because it’s important to acknowledge that you know how to be a good mother and that you have what it takes. Remembering all your successes will give you the strength to do the difficult things.
Even if it’s just a mental list, tell yourself that you’ll pack healthy lunches, pray for them daily, listen carefully, be patient with homework, or whatever else you consider excellent about yourself.
Ask yourself this important question.
” How will I make sense of the difficulties in my past? ” If you came from an abusive home or have a broken or contentious relationship with your parents, ask yourself what you can do to put this to good use.
My friend had an alcoholic father and she said, “I’m grateful to him because I learned what I don’t want to be as a mother.”
Get therapy.
Recovering from a difficult past usually requires professional help. Consider it a gift to your children to do it yourself.
Then work with your children to break generational cycles.
I follow the Instagram account Raising Yourself and have found so many great tools to identify the things I bring to parenting that could be negatively impacting my children.
In one post, she asked mothers to tell her what positive things can be done to break the cycle. I love these responses because behind each one is a scar, but these mothers who responded are working to make things better for their children.
This is what they said:
“Validate your child’s emotions , especially the big ones.”
“Tell your children they are seen and heard.”
“Take responsibility for your own emotions.”
“Talk kindly about your body in front of your children .”
“Apologize to your children.”
“Give your children a safe space to disagree with you.”
“Give them permission to do what they want to do simply because they enjoy it, not because it will win them awards.”
“Celebrate failure.”
And for my yelling situation, I would add, “Practice responding firmly but calmly and walking away when that doesn’t seem possible.”
