For me, I feel like I make a lot (A LOT) of mistakes because I feel like an overworked modern mom.

This morning I left our back door open, and our dog temporarily wandered off. This weekend, I accidentally left a wet load of laundry in the washing machine for two full days until it smelled bad.

And last week, I left my coffee on top of my car as I raced off to take my son to baseball practice.

I’m not afraid to admit that I make mistakes in parenting, too. Are there days when my children spend too much time in front of screens? Absolutely.

Do I sometimes hide in the bathroom when I hear my kids fighting so I don’t get involved? Yes. Did I accidentally send my second-grader to school in his pajamas because I could have sworn it was pajama day (but it wasn’t)?

Unfortunately yes.

Most of our parenting mistakes are harmless (as long as you consider sending your child to school in pajamas harmless). But which parenting mistakes actually have a negative impact on the mental strength of our developing child?

Honest, simple parenting advice

What is mental strength?

Mental strength is the ability to find inner peace, work toward goals, and overcome challenges when faced with discomfort.

Think of your child’s brain as a “muscle.” As parents, we have a responsibility to help our children develop their mental strength and prepare for the obstacles they will inevitably encounter.

These 5 parenting mistakes, confirmed by psychologist Tracy Hutchinson, can actually harm your child’s mental health .

So, if you want to raise mentally indestructible children, refuse to do these 5 things.

1) Save your children from failure

It is said that Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he successfully invented the light bulb.

When asked how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison simply said, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention of 1,000 steps.”

I’m just saying.

Grit, or willpower, isn’t necessarily about coming first or making big money. It’s not about the result.

It’s about the process. Let your children experience the entire process. Failures and successes alike.

Mental strength is gained when children at least try to solve their problems themselves.

2) Give in to every whim

Children love snacks, toys and gifts of all kinds and at any time.

However, research shows that giving in to every request and over-indulging our children affects their mental strength.

Encourage your child to try new things, fight through adversity, and learn to get up after failure.

These simple parenting tips are designed to give children the confidence to have new experiences in life.

3) Avoid limits and consistent discipline

I’ve certainly struggled with this one. I’m not a routine-oriented mom. I’m more of a go-with-the-flow mom.

When you set (and stick to) clear boundaries in your home, you give your children a sense of stability in their lives.

Your boundaries don’t have to be military. They can be as simple as “no technology at the dinner table.”

Giving in too often and allowing rules to be negotiated can lead to power struggles between you and your children.

4) Don’t forget that to err is human

Mentally strong children set goals, but learn that not all goals are easy to achieve.

However, as parents, we must accept our children’s shortcomings and help them understand that perfection is impossible.

Your child will sometimes forget to do their homework. They WILL not always win the spelling bees. They WILL sometimes hit.

Support your children when they fail. Use losses as an opportunity to teach children how to set goals and work hard.

However, use these moments to teach your children that no one is perfect.

Consider learning more about the gentle parenting method. Gentle parenting focuses on developing mutual respect, teaching mindfulness and empathy, and setting healthy boundaries.

5) Don’t downplay your child’s feelings

When we say things like, “Stop worrying about it” or “It’s okay!” we block out their emotions .

It is important that children feel comfortable expressing their feelings.

If your child seems upset or wants to talk, start the conversation right by saying:

– I see you feel __

– Tell me, why do you feel this way?

– What would make you feel better?

Validate your child’s feelings and help them learn how to talk about the uncomfortable things they may be feeling.

Final thoughts on parenting mistakes

If you make these simple parenting adjustments, you will raise children who can overcome any obstacle that comes their way.

Even if they are sent to school in their pajamas one day!

If you feel like your little ones are requiring a Mount Everest level of patience lately, you’re not alone.

Throw in 2 years of adjusting to the way the pandemic has disrupted everyone’s routine, and it’s no wonder why some parents are reportedly more stressed today.

Healthy stress management can help you and your loved ones find more peace throughout the day.

What causes parental stress?

Stress is a poor boundary guard. Work stress isn’t confined to the office. Financial worries don’t magically disappear when your child is sick and sleepless.

The parenting journey is, of course, fraught with times of heightened stress and worry—from the sleepless newborn phase to the rebellious teenage years and beyond.

A list of things that don’t cause parenting stress could be shorter. Nevertheless, these are common factors that can worsen parenting stress:

• childhood developmental disorder
• childish discipline
• Fear at work
• financial depression
• Work-Life-Balance
• Family planning
• mental stress
• Parental burnout
• Conflicts with other caregivers (ex-spouse, day care, teachers)
• Care for older people
• Lack of social support

What is the difference between parental stress and distress?

You will likely worry about your child’s development, behavior, and safety throughout your life.

In addition, there can be a (seemingly) endless carousel of magical promotional items.

But when your daily life becomes overwhelming, your feelings can turn into chronic anxiety or debilitating depression that makes you question your abilities as a parent.

In this case, you may be desperate.

Discussing your mental health with a therapist or doctor is the best way to show up for your child.

If you feel sadness that doesn’t seem to go away, you may want to look out for these depression symptoms:

• hopelessness
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• mental fog
• irritability
• insomnia
• suicidal thoughts

Parental Stress Index, what it means

The Parental Stress Index is a 120-question screening test designed to measure stress in the parent-child relationship.

A short version of the Parent Index can be completed in about 10 minutes.

The test can be used to assess families and identify children at risk for dysfunctional relationships.

If you want to self-assess your stress level, try the Parental Stress Scale (PSS). It’s a widely used (and free!) tool for measuring parenting-related stress. The PSS tool can be a helpful first step in determining if your stress is too high.

How do you deal with parental stress?

A healthier approach to stress can help stressed parents engage in both the very joyful and the meaningful, quiet moments that come with raising children.

As the experts say, your diet, exercise and sleep are so important to keep your stress low.

You can build on these healthy habits with these parent-friendly ways to restore your Zen :

Development of a behavior management plan

Don’t let your child’s emotional whims guide you the next time they cross a boundary.

Sticking to a discipline action plan will help you and your child know exactly what to expect , and it will keep your mind from spiraling into a stressful place of panic or anger.

Parents of children with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and other mental health conditions can feel lost when it comes to setting rules and boundaries for their child.

But it is possible to find a disciplinary framework that helps you set an example of calm while respecting your child’s needs.

Enjoy the moment

Children may be fascinated by watching a caterpillar crawl across a leaf or squish Play-Doh in their hands, or older children may discover the cathartic power of good music.

All of these are examples of what researchers call enjoyment—really exploring the details of an experience with a curious mindset.

As parents, it has been shown that enjoying these little moments together with your children increases positive feelings and joy.

Embracing this sense of wonder is also a parent-friendly portal to mindfulness, which, according to this 2019 study, can reduce parenting stress.

Turn up the volume

According to a 2021 study, listening to music can lower your cortisol (stress hormone) levels.

So you can move your body while your baby giggles, ask your toddler to join you in doing the spin, or embarrass your teenager with your “classic” moves from your time.

Moving your body and listening to music can benefit you both mentally and physically.

Have open conversations about mental health

If you’re a parent feeling limited by a mental illness or raising a child who has been diagnosed with a mental illness, an open conversation could be just the thing to ease tensions.

Talking openly about mental illness can help prevent your child from internalizing some of your behavior.

This conversation could also help your child feel validated if they are living with a mental illness.

A continuous, non-judgmental conversation works wonders to release pent-up stress and promote a sense of calm.

Meditation and mindfulness

For many parents, finding 20 quiet, uninterrupted minutes to meditate on a routine basis is downright ridiculous.

Instead, you can try 1-minute meditations.

Or you can simply focus on your breath and concentrate on textures, sounds, or images around you that you find beautiful.

Noticing even the smallest opportunities to be mindful can support your mindful parenting.

A growing body of research suggests that mindful parenting can influence the development of children’s decision-making in social situations.

Summary

Stress is natural, and parenting stress is inevitable. However, when stressful emotions and tensions are channeled into healthy coping strategies, you create more space for restorative family dynamics and positive behavioral outcomes for your children.

While I believe our tone and actions during discipline are essential, I feel we are overlooking some key aspects of parenting.

It’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture when we focus too much on behavior change.

“Many people believe that discipline is the essence of parenting,” said Dr. Gordon Neufeld. However, that’s not parenting. If your child misbehaves, parenting doesn’t mean telling him or her what to do. Parenting is defined as “creating the conditions in which a child can realize his or her full human potential.”

Today I want to focus on the bigger picture and examine three areas of parenting that have a significant impact on our children’s development.

3 things that are more important than discipline

Relationships

The most important aspect of parenting, in my opinion, is the bond we have with our children. How effectively they listen to us, accept our boundaries and values, and cooperate depends on the value of our connection. Our connection serves as a model for future relationships , as it is where they learn what human relationships are like.

We’ve established a good standard when we have a healthy relationship based on trust, empathy, respect, and compassion. Intimidation, control, coercion, or fear in a relationship lowers the bar and makes this type of connection acceptable.

Follow these steps to create a fantastic connection:

• Spend valuable time with your child doing activities that they enjoy.
• Enter their spheres of influence and interact with them there.
• Listen carefully.
• Keep your commitments. Be reliable.
• Instead of shrugging off unwanted emotions , show compassion and empathy.
• Encourage others and reflect light.
• Respect each other.
• Positive discipline should be applied.

Here is a must-read on relationships:

Parenting mentality: Your relationship is influenced by how you see your child on bad days

Create a family culture

The family culture you build is the experience you provide for your children. It’s a complex story that encompasses ideas, attitudes, values, habits , and traditions, among other things. Your family culture is essentially the environment in which you raise your children. It has a significant impact on who people become.

Your relationship with your spousYour children observe and learn how you connect with your spouse/partner. You are their first introduction to romantic relationships, and they often reflect what they see every day . Here are five suggestions for improving your relationship with your partner .

Emotional tanks need to be filled. Everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled. When your emotional tank is empty, much like your car’s gas tank, your relationship begins to sputter. When the tank is empty, it can completely stall.

Keep your partner’s tank full by being aware of their emotions and recognizing when they are happy, sad, enthusiastic, worried, etc. Make daily emotional contributions—encouraging words and affirmations or loving actions (love language), sharing dreams, listening to each other’s hopes, ideas, and desires.

Focus on the good.

Focusing on what you don’t have will lead to negative feelings in your relationship. Instead, focus on your partner’s outstanding qualities and publicly express appreciation and gratitude.

Argue productively. Although conflict is inevitable, bonded couples establish ground rules for resolving disagreements and avoid messy fights.

Flirt

Don’t give up on wooing your partner. A wink across the table, dressing up, sharing inside jokes, and kissing often.

Leadership should be shared. While it’s good to agree on tasks, running a household and raising children isn’t solely the responsibility of one partner. Everything is done as a team effort.

But as James Lehman says, “The most important thing is to be a ‘good enough’ parent.” A good enough parent cares for their child, does their best, and seeks help when they need it. The good news is that as you become a more effective parent, you can work on things that will help improve your child’s behavior .

“As they say, the definition of insanity is ‘doing something the same way and expecting things to change.'”

Here are six “ineffective parenting roles” that James Lehman discusses in The Total Transformation Program. One of the core components of his program is identifying your own parenting style to see what works and what doesn’t.

A parenting style , or “role” as it’s sometimes called, is the way you habitually respond to a parenting situation. If you notice that your child’s behavior isn’t changing (or is even getting worse), it can be very helpful to pause and take a closer look.

As they say, the definition of insanity is “doing something the same way and expecting things to change.” By recognizing your role as a parent, you can learn to do things differently to change your child’s behavior.

Here are six common roles parents often find themselves in – and how to get out of them.

1. The over-negotiator

This is an ineffective parenting style that many of us can identify with. If you allow your child to discuss consequences, boundaries, and rules—and often successfully manipulate them into bending the rules in their favor—you may be an over-negotiator.

These parents might agree to a milder consequence after inappropriate behavior simply because the child persuades them to. As James says, “Your child will become an expert at pushing boundaries because they know they can always be changed.”

If you fall into this ineffective parenting style, you are probably used to arguments and debates about the fairness of the rules and whether your expectations are reasonable or not.

The solution: The overly negotiating parent needs to be clear about their rules, expectations, and consequences. Don’t allow your child to change the rules or negotiate a different consequence after the fact. By staying firm and clear, you help your child take responsibility for their actions.

2. The Screamer

Parents who end up yelling and screaming at their child often act out of deep frustration and exhaustion. While it’s understandable (most parents have been at this point), the fact is that losing your temper is unlikely to result in positive behavioral changes in your child.

When you get drawn into shouting matches, name-calling, or threats, you send your child the message that you have no control. It also means your authority is compromised. It’s as if you’ve descended to your child’s behavioral level for that moment.

The parent stuck in this ineffective parenting style may even feel compelled to defend their own behavior. Your child can easily deflect their own behavioral problems by pointing out how badly their parents behave.

The solution: The yelling parent needs to learn more effective ways to deal with their own frustration and anger. We all get tired (or agitated) and lash out sometimes. It’s part of the territory of being a parent.

But if you don’t control your own temper, your child probably won’t see you as the calm, clear authority they need to keep their own behavior in check.

3. The Martyr

This parent never wants to see their child fail or feel distressed. If you want to protect your child from difficult emotions , you can work tirelessly to ensure they don’t feel excluded or frustrated.

You may be working much harder on homework or projects than your child. You want the path to success to be as smooth as possible for your child. How can that be a bad thing?

The thing is, when you rush in to do something for your child, you’re actually sending a message that you don’t believe they’re capable of handling the situation well on their own. And that may be true!

You may be worried they won’t be able to do it. But the truth is—and this is important—children learn problem-solving skills when they fail. They learn to cope with feelings of frustration only when they experience frustration.

If you make things too easy for your child and protect them from any feelings of failure or frustration, you’re preventing them from learning their own strength. And you’re exhausting yourself in the process!

The solution: The martyr parent needs to stop working so hard. Allow your child to feel unhappy or frustrated. You can help them find ways to cope with these feelings, but don’t protect them from them. Ask yourself: “Am I doing something my child can actually do on their own?”

4. The Perfectionist

The perfectionist parent can be seen as the flip side of the martyr: Instead of seeing everything their child does as great, these parents see everything their child does as not good enough. Parents stuck in this ineffective parenting style know their children have great talents; they just need to work harder on them.

So why should this be ineffective? Because the perfectionist parent teaches the child that failure is expected of them . If a child can never live up to their parents’ high standards, why should they even try?

And when the child succeeds, the perfectionist parents often raise the bar and insist that their child can do even better next time.

Perfectionist parents often feel like they know their child so well that they know what they’re thinking. They often assume the worst and recognize their child’s assumed bad attitude before the child even opens their mouth.

Why is this ineffective? Unfortunately, you’re teaching your child never to express their feelings, to keep their accomplishments to themselves, and to avoid interacting with you. Why? Because they know they’ll never be good enough. You’re not teaching your child to fulfill their potential. You’re teaching them to cringe at every correction.

The solution: Perfectionist parents need to create distance between themselves and their child—at least between their expectations and their child’s actual interests. Pressure, scolding, and hypercriticism won’t encourage children to improve. Encouraging your child to achieve their goals and discover their natural talents creates a much better environment for growth.

5. Bottomless bags

The bottomless parent is someone who hopes to connect with their child by giving them what they want. We often see this in families where the child spends time with two different sets of parents/stepparents, but it can certainly happen within a single household as well.

The deep-pocketed parent, or “giver,” spoils a child materially, often to stop the child’s behavioral problems or prevent future ones. As James Lehman writes in The Total Transformation, “It is often easier for parents to spend money—even money they don’t have—than to suffer the backlash when their child hears ‘no.'”

This creates a false sense of entitlement in your child. He or she learns to manipulate you into giving him or her what he or she wants.

Because material goods feel easy to obtain, children don’t learn the reality of having to work for reward or compensation. This can not only prepare them for future challenges in the adult world of work, but also for setting and achieving their own personal goals.

The solution: Parents with deep pockets need to learn to say no—and tolerate their child’s reactions when they don’t get what they want. If you want to use material things as rewards for your child, make sure they’re tied to tangible expectations, effort, and achievement, not just because they asked for them.

6. The ticket punch

Parents stuck in this ineffective role act like their child’s best friends: they exaggerate and try to understand their child’s needs and motivations , often identifying quite deeply with their child.

For example, if you didn’t enjoy school as a child, you can downplay or minimize your child’s poor behavior. After all, you understand what they’re going through.

In most cases, ticket-punching parents side with their child, join them in badmouthing authority figures, or ignore rules they consider unimportant.

The problem with this parenting style isn’t that you don’t understand your child, but that you let your understanding prevent you from following the rules. The child doesn’t need to control their behavior if they can convince you that their reasons are valid or that it’s someone else’s fault.

Parents may then blame the negative influence of others on their child, rather than seeing their child as solely responsible for their own actions.

The Solution: The Ticket Puncher Parent must clearly distinguish between their child’s understanding and their responsibility for their actions. Just because you understand your child’s frustration doesn’t mean they don’t have to follow the rules. You can be compassionate while also clearly articulate your expectations for their behavior.

Being a parent is hard, and looking at your own habits and behaviors can be uncomfortable.

When you think about your own parenting style, imagine this: It’s never about whether your style is right or wrong, but rather whether it is working to produce the behavior you want to see in your child.

The bottom line is that ineffective parenting doesn’t inspire change or foster a child’s accountability. As James Lehman tells us time and again, for your child to truly grow and change, you have to parent in a way that actually brings about that change. You can do it.

Parenting skills

We have all questioned our parenting skills in one way or another.

Maybe it was when your toddler was so upset that they refused to get up from the ground and finally leave the park, or they didn’t want to eat dinner but instead threw a fit.

It feels like you’re just yelling at your kids because that’s the only thing that seems to work.

The worst part is when they finally fall asleep after a long, tiring day and you’re full of regret, wishing you could wake them up and apologize.

All of this, on top of managing your household, running errands, and scheduling appointments… no wonder you’re exhausted from it all.

And if you’re like most moms, you start to question your ability to handle everything. You don’t want to be a “mean mom,” but sometimes it feels like one.

7 parenting skills that are really helpful

I have found that there are seven basic parenting skills that help us overcome these challenges.

These are the skills that keep us calm, no matter how frustrating the moment may be. Practicing these parenting skills will reduce challenges because we know how to prevent them.

Because real change goes beyond tips and tricks, but changes who you are and how you are – not just your child – and how you behave in these situations.

Take a look at this list of seven parenting skills and adapt it to your own:

Show empathy

Undoubtedly, one of the best parenting skills you need to develop is the ability to show empathy towards your child.

If you can show him that you truly understand what he is feeling, you will connect with him in ways you never imagined.

Why is empathy so powerful? For one thing, they don’t feel compelled to “speak their mind” because they now know you understand the depth of their frustration (yes, even if it’s about a lost toy).

You’re also showing them the importance of showing empathy in the first place. This will help them in future scenarios where they have to imagine what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes.

And perhaps most importantly, empathy encourages you to be more patient and calm.

The simple act of seeing the situation from their point of view reduces the likelihood that you will yell or lose your temper.

Sure, it may just be a lost toy, but you can absolutely relate to the feeling of losing something precious.

Setting boundaries

Come with me for a moment into the home of a typical family.

A little boy refuses to go to bed, claiming he is thirsty and wants a glass of water… and maybe a book… and without his mom nearby, he can’t sleep.

Meanwhile, Mom does everything she can to prevent a possible tantrum and gives in to his every request.

She is overtired, but doesn’t want to upset him by saying that she has other things to do than stay in his room until he falls asleep.

The problem is that this pattern continues night after night. Not only that, but he wakes up in the middle of the night and cries anyway when he realizes Mom is no longer lying next to him. The result?

An exhausted mother is up in the middle of the night and a little boy couldn’t sleep.

Regardless of what many parents think, children need and want boundaries. Despite the little boy’s pleas and demands, he feels safer and better when he knows what is and isn’t allowed.

He doesn’t want to hold the reins and would rather rest in the certainty of your consistency and firm boundaries.

“Because of the tantrum they just had? It scares them to feel that way. And if we give in and don’t stand up for ourselves, then that tantrum seems even scarier than ever. Because if even their parents can’t handle a tantrum, who can?”

Set clear boundaries based on your child’s interests rather than trying to please them or avoid tantrums.

As uncomfortable as it may feel to put your foot down and assert yourself, you would be doing him a disservice if you did otherwise.

Create distance

At some point in your life as a parent, you have probably yelled at your child in a seemingly natural reaction.

It had done something, you had told it to stop, it kept doing it, and no sensible conversation was getting through to it.

So you screamed.

Trust me, you’re definitely not alone. We’ve all not only yelled at our children, but we’ve also taken their behavior so personally.

Maybe it was the time they deliberately disobeyed you, complete with a grin on their face. Or when they simply ignored you as if you hadn’t said anything at all.

We take their words and actions so personally that we feel addressed.

But reacting and personalizing their behavior means we bring so much of ourselves into the situation that we can’t think clearly.

Simply taking a break right after your child’s defiant behavior may be all you need to get some distance to stay calm.

You also realize that it’s not about you. That you don’t have to let other people’s behavior—including your child’s—determine how you feel. You’re almost “above it,” watching as an observer, rather than directly immersed in the situation.

In other words, your child can refuse to listen and say what they want, but you don’t let it get under your skin.

Don’t let it define who you are or drive you to react. You won’t be sucked into the downward spiral and instead, you’ll float above.

Search for the positive

The best way to deal with power struggles is to avoid them in the first place.

This can happen when we look for the positive instead of dwelling on all the things our children aren’t doing.

Yes, we need to discipline, but it’s not always easy to convince two children fighting over the same toy to learn the value of taking turns.

But recognize the times when they alternate, and you have a unique opportunity to reinforce positive behavior.

Look, it’s much easier to encourage a behavior you want to see by praising it when it happens than it is to correct your children when they do the opposite.

Not only that, but looking for the positive changes your mindset. Our brains like to be right, and when we focus on wrongdoing, we’re more likely to recognize the times when they prove us right.

This just puts us in a terrible cycle: We focus on the negative, we see the negative, and the negative proves us right. But if you look for the positive things your child does, you’ll be more likely to find and praise those times.

Communicate respectfully

We’ve all given our children that “tone” that says, “Because I said so” (without actually having to say those infamous words).

It is another example of this reaction when we cling to the authority we still have and try to exercise it in front of them.

Unfortunately, this power isn’t sustainable. In fact, it can actually damage the strong relationship every parent desires with their child.

Aside from these last-ditch efforts, what can we do instead? We can communicate firmly and respectfully.

We can ask ourselves if we would speak this way to others, including our spouses or colleagues, and get away with it (I suspect not).

Because when you speak with respect, you can almost see your child’s defenses melt away. They feel less attacked, their walls crumble as they realize they don’t have to prepare for another fight.

And it’s more likely that it will actually listen than if you had simply commanded it to do something.

All from a simple change in the way you speak.

Model the behavior

Easier said than done, as the saying goes, especially when it comes to actually modeling the behavior we want to see in our children.

Because what we say is only as effective as what we do. You can tell your child to be nice to his little brother all day, but if you yell and snap at others, you’ll see the same behavior in him.

This is where parenthood truly changes us, when it requires us to grow—and mature—alongside our children.

When it is not enough to tell them one thing, while we ourselves do not do the same, even when we know we have to.

Learn the importance of modeling the behavior you want to see in your child.

Show unconditional love

The phrase “unconditional love” is a bit ironic because true love is always unconditional.

But think of the many times we have imposed conditions on our children, such as withholding affection or making them feel guilty.

Unconditional love means reassuring your child that you love them no matter what, even if they throw a tantrum. You won’t love all of their behaviors or decisions, but you love them nonetheless.

This doesn’t mean you’re neglectful. You can, and in fact, should, continue to be loving even as you set boundaries and correct her behavior.

It’s discipline with the ultimate goal of helping them—not because you’re tired and frustrated.

And ultimately, unconditional love means they don’t have to do anything to earn or receive your love. It’s their birthright, simply for existing in your life. That’s unconditional love.

Conclusion

We can all improve our parenting skills, and that’s exactly what these moments with our children offer us – no matter how challenging they may be.

Every tantrum, every whining, or every power struggle not only helps our children grow, but also us.

It starts with setting boundaries so your child can safely explore their limits. You should also take some time off by taking a break or keeping a slight distance so you don’t take it so personally.

Try to see the positive, which will allow you to notice more of them, not just the negative.

Communicate with respect and empathy to melt their defenses and better connect with them. Model the behavior you want to see, which is far more effective than anything you say.

Finally, show unconditional love, knowing that what it is in its essence transcends any behavior or challenge it may present.

These parenting skills will help you in many ways if understood as a lifelong mission for improvement and growth.

Start by convincing your toddler to finally stop the tantrum and leave the park.

If I was raised to react to frustration or misbehavior in this way, even if I want to do things differently, is it too late to change?

Being yelled at might be a walk in the park compared to what you went through as a child. And if you’re like me, you may have had a great mother who was human and therefore made mistakes.

Are you worried that your childhood wounds are showing up in your child’s parenting? If you want to do things differently but aren’t sure how to be a good parent when you yourself were hurt as a child, here are some encouragement and a few things to equip you.

Your children are actually little life coaches.

I’ve always said that my children have allowed me to know God differently, but they’ve also taught me to know myself differently. Children force us to see parts of ourselves that we may have kept hidden until we became mothers.

I get angry easily, but I keep it bottled up until the pressure builds to the point of explosion. My relationships with other adults never bring me to that level of anger, but my children… oh my God!

My children have shown me that there’s a part of me that has room to grow and change. I also see my older son lose his temper, just like I do, and I know I have to do the work to set a better example for him.

If motherhood has made you aware of the baggage you’ve been carrying since childhood, be grateful because it means you know where you need healing and growth.

So start by working on yourself.

List your strengths and weaknesses .

Why list your strengths when you’re trying to grow? Shouldn’t you focus on what needs to change?

You list your strengths because it’s important to acknowledge that you know how to be a good mother and that you have what it takes. Remembering all your successes will give you the strength to do the difficult things.

Even if it’s just a mental list, tell yourself that you’ll pack healthy lunches, pray for them daily, listen carefully, be patient with homework, or whatever else you consider excellent about yourself.

Ask yourself this important question.

” How will I make sense of the difficulties in my past? ” If you came from an abusive home or have a broken or contentious relationship with your parents, ask yourself what you can do to put this to good use.

My friend had an alcoholic father and she said, “I’m grateful to him because I learned what I don’t want to be as a mother.”

Get therapy.

Recovering from a difficult past usually requires professional help. Consider it a gift to your children to do it yourself.

Then work with your children to break generational cycles.
I follow the Instagram account Raising Yourself and have found so many great tools to identify the things I bring to parenting that could be negatively impacting my children.

In one post, she asked mothers to tell her what positive things can be done to break the cycle. I love these responses because behind each one is a scar, but these mothers who responded are working to make things better for their children.

This is what they said:

“Validate your child’s emotions , especially the big ones.”
“Tell your children they are seen and heard.”
“Take responsibility for your own emotions.”
“Talk kindly about your body in front of your children .”
“Apologize to your children.”
“Give your children a safe space to disagree with you.”
“Give them permission to do what they want to do simply because they enjoy it, not because it will win them awards.”
“Celebrate failure.”

And for my yelling situation, I would add, “Practice responding firmly but calmly and walking away when that doesn’t seem possible.”

Although the words punishment and discipline have traditionally been used hand in hand, parents today realize that there are other ways to help children learn from mistakes and behave appropriately in the future .

It is important to remember that most childhood behaviors that might encourage a disciplinary response are based on something other than a child’s desire to actually do something wrong.

Behavioral changes in response to developmental stages, feelings about events unrelated to what’s happening now, and feelings of illness or fatigue. Before we discuss the different behaviors of children, there are important things to consider.

The easiest way is to put yourself in the child’s shoes. When we make a mistake, do we find it helpful when people embarrass us, shame us, or yell at us in response?

Of course not. When we experience strong emotions , what are we really looking for? Probably some time and space to cool off and think things through, as well as some empathy and connection.

All of this also applies to children , which is why the following eight suggestions offer helpful and positive alternatives to punishment.

Treat yourself to a break WITH your child

“Timeout was originally developed to help children process their emotions in a physically safe space.

Nowadays, it is generally used as a tool to embarrass, manipulate, and control children, with the misguided understanding that this will help them become better people.

Children in time-out will think about many things—how to get revenge, how to avoid getting caught, how to make adults happy—but they won’t think about what they’ve done.”

By removing yourself and your child from the triggering situation or place and entering a new space together, you can help the emotions calm down and reconnect.

Actively show your child that they are being heard

Children often act out when they feel they don’t have the words or a situation that allows them to easily express their feelings.

We all know the feeling of being speechless or looking back on a situation and wishing we’d said what we really wanted to say. The same thing happens to children.

It may be easy to offer a solution to a problem or challenge your child is facing, but that’s not always what your child is looking for. Sometimes they just need the change to express themselves and be heard.

When your child shares how they feel, reflect that feeling back to acknowledge it, and nothing more.

If your dog says he is angry because a playmate took his toy without asking, simply tell him that you heard he is angry and that a playmate took his toy without asking.

It may seem repetitive to you, but to a child it is a clear statement that you have really listened.

Ask banal questions

This is interesting because it seems to have nothing to do with it, but it all depends on how the brain works.

When the amygdala, or the part of our brain that feels alarmed, is activated, our body reacts more intensely and with greater intensity.

This type of reaction from your child is the furthest thing from the calmness they need to deal with a situation in a healthy way.

Asking your child simple questions about topics unrelated to the triggering episode will force a different part of their brain to engage instead of feeding the amygdala response.

The questions can be as simple as asking about a favorite book or movie, or about the weather. Quietly engaging a different part of the brain will allow for a calmer environment and space.

Connect with your child

An outburst can be a cry for attention, even if your child denies it.

Sometimes a hug or an attempt to connect with your child is all that’s really needed. Showing empathy can be especially effective in these situations.

You can use an example from your own childhood or your current life, but in any case, your child will feel comfortable knowing that they are not alone in their feelings.

Give your child choices

Children can make poor decisions when they feel stuck in a situation with no options, just as any of us would feel.

Sometimes they just need an opportunity to use their voice and have some freedom of choice. This isn’t a suggestion to reward negative behavior, but rather a way to offer options as a solution.

You can say something like, “Emma, ​​I see you’re angry right now. Would you rather have some quiet time with me in the kitchen, or would you rather we work together to clean up the blocks?”

Just the possibility of choosing an action and having a choice can comfort children in many situations.

Give yourself a break before answering

Sometimes our children’s behavior triggers feelings and reactions in us that have absolutely nothing to do with our children.

We are parents, which means we have a lifetime of triggers and a schedule that causes fatigue.

By taking a minute to check in with ourselves, take a deep breath, or even quickly go to the bathroom if we need some space before responding calmly, we can prevent ourselves from choosing a response we’re likely to regret later.

Teach children to show – not just say – that they are sorry

Once you’ve used any of the strategies above to create a calmer space, it’s important for children to learn that they can make a difference and actually fix situations in some way.

Whether it’s cleaning up thrown blocks, asking a friend for a hug, or drawing a picture for someone to put a smile back on their face, we can help children understand that they have the power to take a negative situation and make it positive again.

Give your child time and an expectation

Just as we may need a minute or two to adjust to a situation or comply with a request, we can expect the same from children.

If a child refuses to do something, you can offer a little time along with your request. You could try saying something like, “James, let me know when you’re ready to share your toy.”

This gives him the opportunity to feel that he did this because of his own decision and not because of yours.

No matter what strategies you use, you can often quickly check in with yourself by asking yourself how you would feel in that situation. Taking a moment to feel empathy instead of anger or frustration can only help us respond to challenging situation.

Of course, the notorious food cravings experienced by many pregnant women aren’t a myth. But if you follow a few basic rules, you don’t have to worry about them.

Find out here how much weight gain is okay for you, your body and your baby and when you should be a little careful.

Gain weight, sure, but do it right!

During pregnancy , many women who are usually meticulous about their weight seem to throw all the rules out the window. They used to fear every extra pound, but now their growing baby bump becomes their pride and joy. And you still hear sayings like, “Go for it, you’re eating for two now.”

However, even though weight gain during pregnancy is completely normal, you should still pay attention to a healthy and balanced diet. Being significantly overweight is harmful to you during pregnancy and can also be a problem for the baby.

Weight during pregnancy – the right amount!

In fact, a pregnant woman’s calorie needs only increase from the fourth month onward, and even then only by about 250 calories per day. That’s equivalent to a small portion of muesli or a slice of cream cheese sandwich with an apple—so there’s no need to indulge in a big meal.

And it should remain the exception during pregnancy.

Massive weight gain can increase the risk of diabetes and cause high blood pressure, both of which pose a threat to the health of both mother and child.

But: starvation diets during pregnancy are also absolutely taboo!

Are you afraid of gaining too much weight during pregnancy and would rather go on a diet? Absolutely not. Starvation diets are at least as harmful as excessive overeating.

The right balance is – as so often in life – the key to a relaxed pregnancy, in which mother and child are provided with everything they need. A balanced diet is always optimal – whether you’re pregnant or not. But especially then!

The optimal weight gain during pregnancy

Many women tend to lose weight rather than gain it, especially at the beginning of their pregnancy, i.e., in the first trimester. Hormonal changes, the exciting new situation, and, in some women, morning sickness are the reasons for this.

In the second trimester, women gain an average of between 250 and 400 grams per week. In the third trimester, the weight gain is between 400 and 600 grams – this is also when the baby itself gains the most weight.

At the weight gain described above, you’ll gain about 14 kilograms over the course of your entire pregnancy. Anything significantly more than that is often too much.

Weight gain during pregnancy – The overview

If you maintain a balanced, vitamin-rich diet during pregnancy, you’ll always be on the safe side. If you’re unsure about anything, feel free to ask your doctor what you should consider. If you were already overweight before pregnancy, specialized nutritional counseling may be beneficial; the costs are usually even covered by health insurance.

Even though a weight gain of about 14 kilograms is considered a guideline, you shouldn’t worry. Many women retain water, and several other factors also play a role.

For your baby’s and your own well-being, it’s especially important that you stay relaxed and optimistic. After all, your gynecologist checks your weight and all other important pregnancy factors at every prenatal appointment. They’re always available to listen to your questions and concerns.

And now we wish you and your baby a relaxed pregnancy, an uncomplicated birth and, above all, a fantastic time getting to know each other afterwards!

In this article, you will learn how to approach this topic carefully and respectfully and what alternatives there are to create an appreciative atmosphere for discussion.

Why the question of wanting children is stressful for many

Childless people are often confronted with the question of whether they want children, sometimes even repeatedly by the same people. This question is particularly stressful for those who want children but cannot have them.

The reasons for this difficult situation can be manifold:

• Private decision: Some people are childless for personal or professional reasons and want to keep this decision to themselves.
• Health hurdles: Others experience the pain of being involuntarily childless and often struggle with this loss in silence .
• Cultural expectations: Social norms and family expectations often reinforce the pressure to have children as a couple.
• Uncertainty: Some are still unsure or are going through a difficult phase of life in which the desire to have children is not their top priority.

These factors make it clear that the desire to have children is a sensitive topic for many people, requiring empathy and understanding.

Sensitive alternatives to the question of wanting children

There are numerous ways to show genuine interest without getting into the private or potentially painful matter of wanting to have children.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Interests and passions: Instead of asking about your desire to have children, show interest in the passions and projects that are important to your partner – be it professional, hobbies or artistic interests.
2. Travel and future projects: Asking about travel plans or other future projects is a pleasant way to talk about goals and dreams without bringing up a private topic like wanting children.
3. Shared memories: Instead of asking about the new addition to the family, talking about past shared experiences can create a positive atmosphere and connection.
4. Appreciation for life choices: Ask about the decisions and experiences that have shaped your partner. This shows that you value life and the joy that someone exudes, regardless of parenthood.

Show empathy and sensitivity

To make the exchange pleasant and considerate for everyone, it helps to keep the following behaviors in mind:

• Avoid targeted follow-up questions: Avoid questions that focus on private topics. This could hurt or harass people who are involuntarily childless.
• Show joy in individual life paths: Show your counterpart appreciation for what is important to them and show your respect for their individual lifestyle choices.
• Change the subject skillfully: If the conversation turns to the desire to have children or family planning and someone reacts hesitantly, you can respectfully bring up another topic.

Question your own assumptions

We often ask about the desire to have children without thinking about it. It helps to ask ourselves: Why is this important to me? Why do I expect everyone to want children?

Answers to these questions often show how deeply rooted cultural ideas are – and that it is worth questioning them occasionally.

Promote mutual understanding

Parents and childless people have different perspectives on life, yet they can learn from each other and build a strong sense of community. Everyone brings their uniqueness to the relationship. By sharing the desires and experiences that are meaningful to each person, a deep connection develops—regardless of whether someone has children or not.

Communication that strengthens togetherness

Open discussions about the desire to have children require sensitivity and empathy. Parents and families can do much to help by approaching people who are childless for various reasons with respect and appreciation.

By focusing on alternative topics of conversation and respecting the interests of your counterpart, you create an atmosphere in which everyone feels comfortable.

Further helpful articles about the desire to have children and the sensitive handling of childlessness

Here you’ll find more articles exploring the topic of wanting to have children from different perspectives. Whether dealing with unfulfilled expectations, medical options, or common misconceptions, these articles offer valuable information and insights for anyone who wants to approach the topic sensitively:

• To children or not to children – who’s the selfish one here? A few thoughts on the topic of childlessness and prejudice… Read now!
• Unfulfilled desire to have children : 3 tips for dealing with psychological stress: This article offers valuable advice on how couples can cope with the emotional challenges of an unfulfilled desire to have children. Read now!
• Unfulfilled desire to have children? Overview of treatment options: Here, various medical and therapeutic approaches that can be considered for those with an unfulfilled desire to have children are presented. Read now!
• The desire to have children and age: What’s really true? Myths debunked and facts explained: This article sheds light on common misconceptions related to age and fertility and provides sound information.