When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a whole list of things I swore I would NEVER do as a parent. On the other hand, there were some things I absolutely swore I WOULD do without fail.
Things I never thought I would do as a parent
It’s actually a pretty short list. I had enough parent friends before my children came along to know that the universe views words like “I will never,” as some kind of bet. Still, there were some things I was 100,000% convinced I would never, ever, ever, ever do. Let’s see how the universe responded to those bets!
Letting my children cry in public or allowing them to have tantrums
I think this is the one universal thing we all swear we’ll never do as a parent.
It usually comes to mind after seeing a toddler having a tantrum in aisle 5 .
We glance sideways and smugly tell ourselves that if our children did that, we would leave the store immediately.
Of course, our children wouldn’t do it in the first place because we would be such rock star parents that they would never even dream of behaving in such an unidentified way .
Then it happens. Without rhyme, reason, or explanation.
Sleeping with my children or lying with them until they fall asleep
I read all the parenting guides before my son was born, so I knew how important a really good bedtime routine was.
I thought for sure I would have it down pat by the time my son was old enough to discuss bedtime with me.
He’d take a bath, brush his teeth, and fall asleep peacefully while listening to a story. No problem! How hard can it be to get a child to sleep?
It turns out, very difficult. Children become expert negotiators the moment their heads hit the pillow. I swear, they could negotiate a hostage situation so that the bad guy asks what he can do for them!
However, I quickly learned that nine times out of ten, my kids aren’t trying to “convince” me to let them stay up later so they can have more playtime.
It’s actually more about me staying in the room with them. Maybe they’re scared, or feeling lonely, or just want a few more moments of my attention.
So I started lying with my children until they either fell asleep or told me they didn’t need me to stay with them anymore.
Some nights I was out of their room within minutes. Other nights I stayed for hours. And yes, sometimes they even slept with me all night.
I didn’t do it to “spoil” or “coddle” them. I did it because I wanted them to know that I would always be there for them if they needed me.
Let my children win
I’m not just talking about letting them win games, although that’s part of it.
I’m talking about things like letting them argue with me until I change my mind. Basically, I’ve vowed that my children will always respect my authority and just do what they’re told.
Then, sometime before my son was even old enough to “talk back,” I read an article somewhere about how important it is to allow children to “win” from time to time. I don’t remember the original article, but this one is quite similar.
As psychology professor Dr. Nancy Darling explains, “Letting a child win an argument is a great way to increase your authority.
Because you want them to know that if they come to you with a disagreement, you’ll talk it out, and sometimes they’ll win. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind.”
It also teaches them how to let their children win, important life skills such as how to stand up for what they believe in, how to negotiate properly, and how to pick their battles.
So while I still don’t let her win when we play board games, I sometimes let her “convince” me to change my mind.
Letting my daughter be a “princess”
When I found out I was having a girl , I swore I wouldn’t buy her Barbies, dress her all in pink, or surround her with pictures of princesses.
I didn’t want her to think that she had to like these things just because she was a girl or that these things represented the “ideal” woman.
I wanted her to feel free to like whatever she wanted, even if it didn’t fit the outdated idea of ”girly things.”
The thing is, she liked all of those things naturally. She wanted to wear pink ruffles, get her nails done, and play princess with Barbie dolls. That’s her.
I would be a hypocrite if I told her she wasn’t allowed to like those things. I would tell her that she can only be free to be herself if she does it in a way that I agree with. So, she’s a princess, and that’s the way it is.
Judging other parents
Long before I had children, I promised myself that I wouldn’t judge other parents for their decisions.
Sure, there are exceptions. Abuse should never be tolerated or accepted. But I vowed that I wouldn’t be one of those moms who shames other moms for doing things differently than me when it comes to basic parenting styles .
You know the kind, right? They click their tongues and wave their fingers because you sleep in the same bed with your kids, or because you don’t.
They write smug little rants on Facebook about how they never thought to send their baby back after a particularly rough night with colic because they actually love their children and are ashamed of you for ever having such thoughts .
Shame, shame, shame. That’s her favorite game. So yeah, I swore I’d never be one of “those” moms. I thought I was doing a pretty good job keeping that promise, but then I realized that judging judgmental moms still counts as judging other moms, if that makes sense.
When I really think about it, I’m probably a bit judgmental about certain parenting choices and styles. I don’t believe in punishments for bad grades, for example.
So I really don’t understand why others do this. I believe that fathers don’t babysit their children, they RAISE them. So the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I hear someone say, “My husband is babysitting the kids tonight, isn’t that nice of him?”
But I mostly keep it to myself. So, while I’ve managed to keep my promise not to shame other mothers, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I can be a bit judgmental at times. I guess it’s just human nature.
Things I knew I would definitely do as a parent
So, as we can see, I do pretty much all the things I swore I would never do as a parent, at least to some extent.
But what about the things I promised myself I would DO? Let’s find out!
Avoid screaming
As I’ve said before, I firmly believe that yelling at children accomplishes nothing but scare them, and I never wanted them to look at me with fear in their eyes.
So I promised myself that I wouldn’t lose my temper and constantly yell at my children.
So far, I think I’m keeping that promise pretty well. I’m not saying I never, ever yell. I am human, after all, and just as prone to outbursts as the next person .
However, when I do yell, it’s usually because my children are running into life-threatening danger. A screaming “STOP!!” is much more effective than a quiet “Honey, I know you think you’re invincible, and yes, you really can run very fast, but that oncoming car is much faster, so please consider stopping.”
Letting my children get bored
I promised myself I wouldn’t be the type of parent who felt like I had to fill every single moment of every single day with some kind of activity for my kids.
I would make sure they have enough free time to just be kids.
Oh, and if they said, “I’m bored,” I wouldn’t pull out my printed list of “1,000 Ways to Entertain Your Kids” and give them some Pinterest-perfect craft project.
No. I would tell them, “Then find something to do!” I’m proud to say I’ve kept that promise, too, and my kids have become so much more creative as a result.
Model good behavior
I think we all make this promise to ourselves and our future children, but it’s probably the hardest one to keep.
I don’t want to be a “do as I say, not as I do” parent, so I really try to model the behavior I want to see in my children.
I practice gratitude and maintain a positive attitude (oops, I actually wasn’t trying to rhyme that one). I also model healthy behaviors like eating right, exercising, and expressing my feelings.
This is a constant work and something we have to do throughout our children’s lives, so I can’t swear I’ve kept that promise. I’m not always perfect, but I think I’m handling it pretty well.
Let them fail and make mistakes
While I promised myself that I would always be there for my children, I also vowed not to equate “being there” with “doing everything for them.”
I would let them fail and make mistakes so they could learn and grow.
Obviously, I use common sense.
I’m not going to drop my child headfirst off a cliff just to teach them not to dance so close to the edge. If allowing them to fail or stepping back to let them figure something out on their own would actually hurt them, then of course I’ll intervene.
But for everything else, I encourage them to try. If they still can’t figure it out or need help, ask (because knowing when to ask for help is just as important as learning to do things on their own).
Let them be children
One promise I try to keep above all others is to actually let my children be children.
I remind myself that they’re children, not miniature adults in training. I really feel like we’re trying to make our children grow up way too quickly these days.
We expect—no, we demand—perfection.
Perfect attention, perfect obedience, perfect grades, perfect behavior. We expect them to behave like adults. We tell them bluntly to stop being “childish,” to “grow up,” or that “playtime is over.”
Well, guess what? They WILL grow up, and they’ll do it much faster than you can ever imagine.
They WILL stop being childish, stop playing, stop seeing magic and wonder in a bottle of glitter glue. I see no reason to rush this. I want my children to have a childhood, not a pre-adulthood.
As you can see, I’ve done pretty much everything I never thought I’d do as a parent. But I’m okay with that because I’ve also (mostly) kept all the promises I made to my future children, and those are the things that truly matter most.
Like I said, I’m not perfect. No parent is. At the end of the day, though, I feel like I’m being the best mom I can be. That’s enough for me… even if the universe has the last laugh when it comes to tantrums.
