Many people emphasize that you have to put a new partner first. But what does that look like in practice?
Is the child more important than a new partner or how can you set boundaries without hurting the child?
If you have kids, you know that dating isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
You have a busy schedule, but you still take care of the children as best you can, and sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to balance these two relationships.
Furthermore, it is not child’s play to introduce the new partner into the lives of your children – especially when the children are a little older.
How can you have a good relationship with your new boyfriend and even move in together when children are involved?
Are there ways to make it a smooth experience for the children?
Are there things to consider?
There are so many patchwork families around the world who have gone through all these transitions and who have managed to maintain the couple relationship as well as the parent-child relationship.
Of course, it takes a bit more organization and planning for such a family to function successfully and for all members to be happy and content, but it is not impossible.
The worst thing you can do is rush the whole process, especially when more people are involved.
It’s hard to suddenly find yourself as an ex-wife while trying to keep the family going.
After a separation, childless couples find it much easier to find their way back into their own lives.
However, if you have a child together, the separation is much more complicated .
You have to be strong for your child, no matter how old they are, you have to pull yourself together even when it’s difficult, and you have to keep stepping back so as not to hurt those involved.
But does it have to stay this way for life? No, it’s perfectly fine if your ex-boyfriend or husband has a new partner, and a breakup doesn’t have to mean you have to stay alone forever.
But what you and your former partner should know is that there are gentler ways to integrate the children into the new life.
You have the responsibility to look after your children and enable them to have a good and smooth transition into the “new”.
Even though it’s shattered right now and you’re still picking up the pieces, your own family must be and remain number one.
Although you may already be looking for a new boyfriend and longing for a relationship.
It’s perfectly okay not to mourn past relationships and to look around again, and it’s also okay if you want to stay alone for a longer period of time.
There is no right or wrong, because everyone decides this for themselves.
However, introducing a new person into the lives of your children requires a certain amount of sensitivity, as after all, this person will be a substitute parent for the respective children.
And you certainly don’t want anything to go wrong.
To avoid the situation where you can’t stand your child because you feel like they are standing in the way of your happiness again, or because your own children perceive you as toxic or selfish , here are some tips.
Here you will find advice on how you and your new partner can make the transition or perhaps even moving in together easier for the children
Involve your children in the new relationship
If you find someone who is important to you and who seems to have a certain future potential for you, you will certainly want to integrate your own children well into the new situation.
Of course, you want your new boyfriend to already know that you have children.
Otherwise, it can lead to a very delicate situation, because not every man is able to accept small children whom he perceives as belonging to another man.
Some men are even afraid of the responsibility that children represent and suppress the desire to have children for years.
As soon as you officially start dating or find a suitable moment to mention it, you should bring up the topic of children because you don’t want to get involved with a man who has negative feelings about children.
All men will have a reaction that may seem a little strange, but it’s not the same as saying they hate stepchildren and would never have them at home.
Your ex-husband should also be careful about bringing a new girlfriend into the picture.
New partners often tend to see the ex-wife, in this case you, as competition and have difficulty accepting the new partner’s children from the previous relationship.
Prepare for resistance
Your children will find out sooner or later that you are in a relationship with someone – probably long before you are ready to bring your new boyfriend and your children together.
No matter how old your children are, getting used to a new family structure is not easy.
While younger children will find these circumstances easier, older children may have the greatest difficulty integrating a new person into your familiar life.
They would often prefer to have you all to themselves because they have the most vivid memories of the life you had with their father.
Even though they know the relationship is over, they’ll find it difficult to imagine you with another man. It’ll be a question of loyalty.
Some children also find it difficult to accept new siblings because they feel that they will lose their own mother.
If you want to have more children with your new partner, it is best to talk openly and honestly about it with the children from your previous relationship beforehand.
The simplest example that can be seen in many families is when the first child does not want to accept the sibling for fear of losing the parents. Imagine what it is like when a strange adult walks into their intimate space.
Risk of premature commitment
Especially with younger children, there is a risk that they will immediately form a bond with the new partner.
For this reason, you want to be fairly sure that your relationship has some potential before you allow your younger children to recommit.
Even though you can’t always predict the outcome of a relationship, it’s easier for a child not to suffer too many unnecessary losses.
In other words, you shouldn’t take your new partner home with you right away and spend the second weekend of your acquaintance together as a “family.”
Enable a smooth transition
Once you’ve introduced your new boyfriend to your children, you shouldn’t immediately create a surrogate family.
Love is a special and indescribable feeling, but you still have to handle the situation carefully and instead of spending the whole day and night with your new partner, your children should have you too.
To begin with, no overnight visits should take place until the children have become familiar with the new situation that your new friend is someone who could stay.
You can, of course, choose what is more comfortable for you, but taking this slowly will reduce the risk of an emotional backlash from your children as they adjust to their new life, new circumstances, etc.
Keep in mind that your children may feel threatened and afraid of losing you to this new admirer or that the new friend will change the family rules.
The same should apply to your ex-husband and his new wife.
Because even if you and your partner have separated, your son or daughter, their well-being, needs and feelings should always have priority in the beginning.
Having alone time with the children
You also don’t want to include this new man in your life in too many of your family days at first.
You are developing a relationship that must have a strong bond between you and your new man.
If you want you to become a family unit, you won’t be able to keep things balanced.
You may be forced to skip some important stages of your new relationship.
But at the same time, as a single mother, you will now be starting a whole new family with your children.
You too deserve attention and time for the first time as you work through the changes in your life that the divorce/separation has brought.
You shouldn’t rush into anything
There’s no need to rush into anything. You can take your time so everyone gets used to each other and you can decide if you really want to start a new family.
If you have any doubts, trust your intuition and wait until the feelings have subsided and you can think clearly.
This is your chance for a new and happy life and if important aspects are missing, it is better to wait until another situation arises rather than getting involved in something that does not promise success from the start.
You have all the time in the world, even though you currently think that you will be alone forever and will never get the chance to love and be loved again.
Consider your children’s reactions
Your children’s reactions to your new partner are sometimes a good guide.
Children often have their own way of assessing a relationship and they may see something that you don’t see but should.
Even though you are sure that you have met the right man, you should give your children time to assess and get to know their new partner on their own terms.
Give your children enough space to get closer to your new friend.
This will give you the opportunity to form an opinion about your new partner based on your own experiences.
You should not insist that your children do something that might be uncomfortable for them, such as a goodnight kiss or a hug.
Because sometimes children don’t even want to hug their own dad, which is completely normal.
No one can confirm whether the new partner is the right one for you and your children, but here are a few warning signs that may indicate that this new man in your life might not be the right one after all:
• Your children run screaming to the neighbors when he arrives.
• He has no past and never mentions anything about his life.
• Your dog has no peace when he is in the room.
• Whenever the doorbell rings, he gets nervous.
If any of these warning signs apply, and even if it’s only temporary, you should give the whole situation some time so that everyone can get used to each other.
But if all of these points match your situation, then perhaps you should draw a line under it before you become even more disappointed.
Final thoughts
Dear Mom, I hope that my post has helped you to see some things that you may not have even thought about.
Your child is more important than your new partner because your child is your responsibility and you are his or her number one caregiver.
While many new and exciting adventures await you in this new chapter of your life, remember how important it is to constantly reassure your children that you still love them and that no new relationship will ever change that.
When you make new decisions that will change the family climate and affect everyone in the family, ask your children for their input and involve them in the process.
Because the more your children feel like they are a part of things and events, the less afraid they will be of change.
Make your children feel like they are part of the family and give them enough space to cope with the new circumstances on their own, and you will be surprised.
Because if your new boyfriend is the right man for you, then you and your children will benefit and be happy too.
I wish you good luck and fun in all the new adventures that await you.
