Let me be clear upfront – not liking a child’s behavior is very different from not liking a person.
So think carefully about what the sentence “I can’t stand my child anymore” refers to.
It’s clear that you would do anything for your child and that you love no other person as much as your own child, and that’s why it’s so hard to admit that you sometimes don’t like them.
When such ideas first occur to you, it can be very frightening, but don’t worry, it’s okay.
Parenting is challenging, especially emotionally, when your children are going through the defiant phase, behaving disrespectfully, or simply not being the way you want them to be.
As parents, we all have expectations about how our children should grow up and how they should behave, and if these expectations are not met, everyday family life can become very stressful.
Maybe you are unable to build a bond with your child or your child is not the person you wanted and imagined, they cannot do anything on their own, are not sociable enough or perhaps are demanding and negative.
But you don’t have to feel guilty or resentful. We parents of “difficult” children all share this secret, but rarely does anyone confess it.
And when someone actually dares to admit that they can no longer stand their child, I think that this aversion is almost always due to the child’s inappropriate behavior.
Parents who torment themselves with such thoughts are understandably frustrated and ask themselves “ Why don’t I like my child ?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Am I a bad mother/father?”.
They are discouraged and at their limits because they are fed up with constantly repeating themselves, arguing and feeling like they are constantly in a power struggle with their own child.
Or they are powerless against the way their child treats them, their siblings or teachers at school and sometimes you have the feeling that they hate the whole family and you .
And if you’re also struggling with the thought “I can’t stand my own child anymore,” I can understand you.
But there is good news: you can break this vicious cycle of negativity and, instead of harboring feelings of hatred, build a healthier relationship with your child and learn to like them for who they are.
Are you stuck and don’t know what to do to break out of this vicious circle?
Is your child six months old or even already in puberty and is bothering you? Don’t allow this feeling to build up inside you for years; instead, take action.
Find a solution and if you realize that you can’t get any further on your own, seek out an expert who can help you.
It is very helpful to have someone give you guidance on where clear boundaries need to be set in your upbringing.
And there’s nothing wrong with seeking help or admitting that you struggle as a parent on a daily basis. Because even though many other families appear perfect from the outside, things often look very different inside your own home.
While I can’t tell you exactly how to deal with the specific problem, my post will give you tips that will help you identify your problem or the cause of your feeling.
Read on and take a deep breath, because maybe you will find the cause of your problems right between these lines.
It is difficult to enjoy time with children during turbulent times
There are times when parents don’t like their child because of a particular phase they are currently going through.
In toddlers, it is usually the defiant phase that is responsible for tantrums and causes thoughts like “I can’t stand my son anymore” or “I can’t stand my daughter anymore” for the first time.
Later, it is puberty that makes parents freak out and finally moving out, which involves many unforeseeable risks.
And again, it is best to look for the cause of these feelings.
The defiant phase is a stressful phase and as a parent this can be the first big challenge where you don’t know how to behave towards your child and where you think you can no longer tolerate your child.
But when the tantrums are over, all you want to do is hug your child and tell them how much you love them, right?
Accept your own feelings
Don’t push your own feelings away because you feel guilty or think it’s wrong to not like your child.
You don’t have to like the truth, but you do have to accept it. Change can only begin when you are honest with yourself and how you feel.
Ask yourself what you feel and why you feel that way, because it’s important to accept that you won’t always like your child, and that your child won’t always like you either.
Positive self-talk is very effective because too often negative words unconsciously swarm around in our thoughts and we should consciously control and direct our inner thoughts.
Easier said than done, but definitely worth a try to adopt your own thought patterns and focus on positive things.
After all, thoughts sooner or later become actions.
And yes, you can change your mindset and thus overcome your negative thoughts and automatically feel better.
Because thoughts are a powerful tool that you have, you just have to learn how to use them.
If you anticipate the worst, you’re only fueling the problem. Instead, try to think of a solution, how you can prevent a conflict with your child, or what you can do to help you come to an agreement.
Because if you expect an argument, you’ll get one. And isn’t it great that you can prevent that with positive thinking?
Identify the cause of your feelings
Take time to reflect on the cause of your feelings.
Are there external factors influencing your child’s behavior, such as problems at school? Or is it more due to your preconceived expectations?
Maybe you don’t like your child because they are so different from you, or maybe because they are just like you.
Or maybe because it’s so stubborn and unruly and causes chaos at home all day long?
These are all understandable reasons why you can’t stand your child anymore. After all, you can’t like someone who treats you badly.
If this is the case, remember that it is the behavior you dislike, not the child.
Because we parents can love our children and hate their behavior and sometimes this becomes entangled.
If you scratch a little beneath the surface, you may find that it has more to do with you than with dislike for your child, because you are the one reacting to their behavior the way you react.
And you are the one who has to take control of your own feelings.
Sometimes, as parents, we are haunted by memories of our own childhood that trigger fears and feelings of inadequacy, and we then project these feelings onto our children.
For example, if you were criticized as a child for not getting a great grade, you might criticize your child for the same reasons.
You need to become aware of such reasons instead of allowing them to control your parenting without you noticing.
You should also consider other factors that influence your feelings.
It is quite possible that your difficulties, such as those with your partner, are affecting your child’s behavior or that your own unmet needs are impairing your judgment.
We humans are emotional beings and there are beautiful and unpleasant emotions, but the thing is that love, although also an emotion, is separable from other temporary emotions and it is only in your power to do so.
Do you dislike your child – or do you dislike his behavior?
There’s a big difference here that I want to reiterate: Disliking your child’s behavior is very different from disliking them as a person.
Many parents find it difficult to define this because a child’s behavior becomes, in a way, part of their personality and it is difficult to distinguish the line between character and behavior.
In most cases, it’s not just the child’s behavior that pushes parents to their limits. Character also plays a major role, as their behavior can also be the result of their character.
Children, even though we adore them, can be quite annoying sometimes, just like the rest of us.
However, try not to take your child’s bad behavior personally, because otherwise you will feel uncomfortable, freak out, and then feel guilty.
And if a child is only a few months old and doesn’t talk yet, or is still very small, then he or she is certainly not intentionally making you angry; this is all far too complex for a child to understand.
The judgment of others can make you unable to tolerate your child
You may feel that if your child’s behavior is inappropriate, people will look at you and judge your parenting as poor.
We all hate being judged. And even if we deal with it effectively, that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. It just means we stop taking it personally.
If your child misbehaved, you may have initially tried to tell your parents, other relatives, or friends.
But when this pattern of behavior turns into a persistent problem, most people eventually get tired of hearing about it.
And we all know that family members and friends can be very judgmental and critical, which can make you feel guilty and shameful.
As a parent, you feel like a failure and stop talking about parenting challenges to avoid further hurtful comments.
You slowly isolate yourself, don’t talk to anyone about these strong feelings, and feel excluded, blame the child, and become resentful. It’s a vicious cycle that absolutely must be broken.
But you must not blame your child for how others judge you.
It is better to focus on your child’s behavior rather than what others think of you.
Because that’s the only way you’ll be able to be a good parent, which is essentially what your child needs.
Don’t compare yourself with others
“Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.”
What exactly does that mean?
On the outside, most families appear normal and stable. In fact, we tend to avoid shouting matches with our children in public.
But behind closed doors, things are different. Even the normal-looking family next door has problems.
And all parents have problems with their children—that’s part of raising children. In fact, we all have problems.
So don’t compare your opinion of your family and all its shortcomings with how other families appear from the outside.
It’s not a fair comparison. And compared to it, you’ll always feel like you’re lagging behind.
Another way to think about this is that your family might appear good to most outside observers.
But that’s only because you mostly keep your problems behind closed doors. You don’t fight your battles openly so the public doesn’t see them.
That’s why I advise parents not to compare their inner selves with other people’s outer appearances. That’s not a fair comparison either.
This also applies on a personal level.
When you compare your emotional inner self with other people’s physical outer self, you only get a distorted impression of what is happening.
And usually, you’ll just feel worse about your situation. Don’t do it.
This is also one of the patterns that causes so much trouble for teenagers. They compare their inner selves with the outer appearance of their classmates.
The other children may seem like they are popular and like they belong.
But these children can be just as emotionally turmoiled. These comparisons can cause your child a lot of stress.
Don’t take bad behavior personally
Although disrespectful and bad behavior from your own child often feels like a personal attack, it is not.
Rather, it is driven by other forces such as fears, frustrations and the need to develop one’s own identity.
And no matter how difficult it can be sometimes, you have to try not to fight it.
It is always better to avoid shouting and conflicts with the child in order to avoid unnecessary power struggles.
Adjust your expectations to your child’s potential
To build a better relationship with your child, you must learn to accept them as they are.
If your child does not live up to your expectations, then you have to adapt them to the child.
You need to realize that the only person you can control is yourself, and that the emotions your child’s behavior triggers in you can only be controlled by you.
It is advisable to try to be a calm parent and try to keep emotions out of the equation in difficult situations and remain calm no matter how your child behaves.
Don’t take your child’s behavior personally or as an attack on you.
A child is a child and a child doesn’t want to intentionally make mom sad; it simply has to learn to control its boundaries and emotions.
And if you as a mother cannot control your emotions, how do you expect to teach your own child?
Try to get to know your child better
Especially a full-time mom has a hard time finding time to do something fun.
But it is essential in a parent-child relationship to find out what the child likes and what he or she doesn’t like and what motivates him or her.
Try to listen to your child without judging, because children also react negatively when they are questioned.
Try to connect with your child and soon you will see changes, your child will appreciate it and start opening up to you to talk about how they feel.
Stay positive
Even if you say “no” and are consistent, try to remain calm and kind to your child.
Instead of scaring the child with a dark look and harsh tone, try using a gentle tone that will convey to the child that you are interested in him and his needs.
When things get hectic, it can be hard to stay positive, especially if you’re frustrated because your child is behaving disrespectfully.
But even then, you should remain as calm as possible when dealing with it, because it will absorb your negative feelings, internalize them, and rebel against them aggressively.
Remember that communication with a child is not only through talking; your facial expression and the tone of your voice sometimes say more than your words.
Instead of repeatedly focusing on the negative and trying to change your child, try to build on what is right and good.
Don’t fall into the trap of becoming obsessed with the negative.
You can also praise good behavior, as this will give your child confirmation and the relationship between you will blossom.
We all need validation when we do something well.
Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if you were constantly criticized for your bad behavior, but your good deeds were overlooked or went unnoticed.
If good behavior goes unnoticed and bad behavior triggers a reaction, then your child will think – aha, good behavior has no effect, but if I behave badly, then I get attention.
It will take time and you won’t be able to change automatically, but make an effort to understand what you are saying to your child and what they are communicating to him.
Keep in mind that your child needs a teacher and role model, not a critic.
To improve your relationship with your child, try to bring a little more playfulness and less seriousness into your family life.
Try to identify any problems your child may have early on, as well as things that have caused you to feel these feelings of dislike towards your child.
Accept your child as they are, show them how to deal with unwanted emotions, love them, and don’t worry so much.
Taking one small step at a time is perfectly okay.
Try not to criticize
Nobody likes criticism and criticism triggers negative feelings in everyone, including children.
Commit to no longer criticizing your child. Resolve that no more criticism will come from your mouth toward your child.
At first this decision will only be in your mind and then it will automatically become reality.
If you start thinking about it, you will soon realize that we all automatically criticize our children without realizing it.
When you become aware of this, you will also gain control over your actions and find it easier to highlight your child’s good qualities.
And when you praise your child, for example, when they left the toy to their little sister or brother, you show them that you are impressed by their “GOOD” behavior, which will lead to more appreciation for each other.
The personality conflict with one’s own child
Could it be that you and your child are too similar or too different to get along?
You must realize that your child is not a friend you have chosen based on their personality and other positive qualities.
No, your child is born without guidance and with a unique personality.
You will be disappointed if you try to change your child, or more precisely, their character, and carry around all the disappointments that come with it, and the cycle of negativity begins.
Your child is not your friend and you don’t have to like their personality, but as a parent you play a crucial and important role in their life.
You have to come to terms with it and accept it and accept your child as he or she is.
No matter how old the child is, problems in the parent-child relationship can always arise.
Puberty is an extremely sensitive time for both parents and children, but sometimes a 3-year-old daughter can cause more anxiety than a teenager.
Part of adolescent development is that the child searches for his or her own identity by wanting to separate from his or her family, which sometimes leads to offensive and annoying behavior.
However, this “resolution process” is very difficult for both parents and children. Open and calm communication is key here, too, to preventing potential outbursts or even destructive behavior.
Final thoughts
Dear Mommy, I can well imagine how terrible it is to feel like you can no longer bear your own child and at the same time feel guilty.
But you are not alone, because more and more parents are tormented by such thoughts and are unsure about their own children.
As a parent, you have a position of power over your child and we were taught that this was something dangerous and that it was bad.
The child must be treated with respect, but it is exhausting to discuss everything with the child if there are no clear boundaries.
Children need clear boundaries, and we as parents have a responsibility to provide them. If there are no clear boundaries, the child will feel overwhelmed by all these open questions and possibilities.
Setting boundaries, however, is not about torturing your child and forbidding them from doing anything. It’s about staying in control and, if established rules are not followed, implementing the consequences without compromise, without any ifs, ands, or explanations.
Don’t expect miracles; the child will resist at first, but you have to stay firm. And don’t worry, this way you won’t deprive your child of love, but rather do something good for them.
And it is also your responsibility to protect your other children from this one.
Because there are more and more families in which a child deprives the whole family of fun because of his behavior and that is not fair.
Best wishes to you and I hope you find a way out of this emotional chaos.
