When a baby is on the way, it’s not always a rosy cloud, because separations during pregnancy are not uncommon.
Overflowing anticipation, blossoming love, furnishing the nursery together – none of this is the case for most couples, as we often read in the media.
Unpleasant side effects , overtime despite pregnancy, inner conflicts, worries and fears are more a part of everyday life than beaming faces and relaxing evenings in the bathtub.
Relationship stress is also common during pregnancy, sometimes even leading to separation.
Or other reasons make women go through pregnancy alone.
Perhaps the separation hit you suddenly and you are in a state of severe shock?
Or were there differences between you and your partner that were becoming bigger and stronger?
So you have unconsciously prepared yourself somewhat for the separation.
Maybe you’ve already drawn a line under it yourself, or you’re comfortable letting go? Or maybe you’re just wondering whether you should risk breaking up?
No matter what your personal situation is, I don’t want to comfort you with empty phrases like, “You are not alone.”
Because that’s certainly how you feel, even when family and friends are there for you.
This feeling of being alone and abandoned is your reality, and no one should deny it to you.
But it is possible to free yourself from this situation.
Here you will receive initial guidance and information about your rights, the rights of the child’s father and possible support.
Should I separate during pregnancy?
If you have been asking yourself this question seriously for a while, then the separation will probably happen soon.
In some cases, it’s better to act sooner rather than later and draw a line under it. Pregnancy is no exception.
Doubts about the relationship that are becoming increasingly louder, dissatisfaction that is becoming increasingly greater, and little things that are massively disturbing – these are clear signs that you are heading towards a separation.
If this doesn’t happen during the pregnancy, you’ll face a separation later on with the child . This can be even more difficult and complicated.
Today, people rarely stay together for the sake of their children. We are too concerned with our own happiness and well-being.
I don’t want to start a discussion here about whether that’s right or not.
In fact, children are better off with separated but cooperating parents than in a loveless, broken family environment.
If you have concerns about being happy in your relationship for a long time, then you will probably not be able to avoid a breakup.
Delaying this step because of pregnancy can actually prolong discomfort, suffering, and disappointment.
There are many separated or single mothers and fathers who know best how difficult it is to have sole or shared custody.
Making decisions alone or always in consultation with your ex – both can be stressful and exhausting in their own way.
Nevertheless, we hear again and again that being a single parent is not a nightmare, especially from those affected.
Yes, an underestimated and sometimes even discriminated position in society is extremely unpleasant.
Single mothers in particular report on this in surveys and on their blogs.
And the shame that the supposedly great partnership has broken up can act like poison on the mind and soul.
Some women feel paralyzed by this and don’t dare to make the decision to separate. Or they feel ashamed of having been dumped while carrying a baby bump.
All of this is normal and not your own fault. You are reacting to the attitudes of your environment that you have consciously or unconsciously perceived.
You’re dealing with remorse and inner conflict. Or you’re suffering from ideas and experiences from your past and childhood.
Of course you need a sense of belonging, security and acceptance, especially during pregnancy.
Fortunately, it is enough if you get this from your immediate environment.
You have no influence on what others think.
But you are certainly responsible for your own well-being and the well-being of your child who will soon be born.
Anything you can decide and process before the birth will be easier for you later.
Because once the baby arrives, you’ll be glad you didn’t put off important and essential things and processes.
Dealing with separation during pregnancy – what helps?
Whether you were left by your partner or initiated the separation yourself, it is definitely advisable to visit a counseling center, psychologist or psychotherapist.
By writing a diary and practicing yoga regularly, you can actively take your mental and physical well-being into your own hands.
This advice comes from someone who was in psychotherapy for over a year due to various traumas, separations and fears of loss.
I know that everyone has their own burden to bear. No one’s world is perfect.
Fortunately, the topic of mental health and therapy options is being discussed more and more openly in this country.
Some people go to therapy out of pure curiosity and learn amazing things about themselves.
A breakup is something you have to process. During pregnancy, you’re also particularly sensitive and vulnerable.
Even a sideways glance can make you cry.
You lose courage and hope in life and may fall into depression.
Even a mild form of depression should definitely be treated!
When you should definitely consider psychotherapy
If you’ve been feeling depressed for more than two weeks, have trouble sleeping, are withdrawing from your surroundings, and can’t find any glimmer of hope, please see your doctor. They can give you a referral for a psychotherapist.
Although it may not seem like it, there is help for your condition.
And this is what the right psychotherapy will bring you. Even healing that is guided by a person with specialist knowledge is still your own hard work.
Stale thought patterns are broken down and questioned, and habits are also challenged.
You get homework, you have to work on yourself. And there’s always a very attentive person there for you who cares about your well-being.
There was a time when I had to force myself to keep my appointments. But these became an important support system that kept me together.
It made me realize that I’m still very capable of communicating, expressing my wishes, and overcoming myself. Even though I felt puny, anxious, and hopeless.
Only the first steps are the most difficult and require a lot of strength.
Even if you think you can’t muster it, you’ll be grateful later for having pulled yourself together.
Because you will get up again, like so many before and after you who experience similar things.
Notice your feelings and express them
Of course, you can also talk to a good friend, your sister or mother about your situation, feelings and fears .
It’s good if you feel the need to do so. When people are depressed, they often can’t talk.
You probably also need time for yourself. Then write a journal . Force yourself to do it at first if you have no other choice.
You’ll be amazed at how the words flow out of you.
The practice will also help you to face your own feelings and thoughts without prejudice or reservations.
Maybe you have already done yoga before and now cling to the daily exercises like a lifeline?
The hype surrounding yoga is justified. It does, in fact, bring body and mind into harmony.
You concentrate on the asanas and your breathing.
In retrospect, you’re amazed to realize that you weren’t thinking about anything else. You feel mentally and physically strengthened. Your self-confidence increases.
There are several studies that show that yoga helps combat depression and anxiety and improves mood.
A 2020 systematic meta-analysis published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine also came to similar conclusions .
However, you shouldn’t expect immediate results. With at least two yoga sessions per week, you’ll see significant, positive effects after about four to five weeks.
It’s worth sticking with it! I can say that from personal experience.
So, find out about pregnancy yoga and find a new, firm position in your life.
Even with a baby bump, you can start doing yoga and do something good for yourself and your unborn child.
Search for counseling centers
You shouldn’t be afraid to visit a counseling center. Information and tips online are useful, but direct contact with people will definitely do you good and give you a sense of security and direction.
Especially when you receive competent advice and support.
Pro Familia counseling centers are located in many locations throughout Germany. The free support services include separation and divorce counseling .
Here you will also find information about family and social law.
At Pro Familia, you can expect a mediation process. You and your ex-partner will be assigned a mediator with whom you can work out amicable solutions.
The professional third party moderates and structures necessary negotiations and ensures that both of you express your interests.
This is not couples or legal counseling, but rather conflict resolution. It is intended to lead to an agreement that is fair and acceptable to both parties.
If you are not yet in the 12th week of pregnancy (SSW) and are thinking about terminating the pregnancy, you are legally obliged to visit a conflict counseling center.
In this sense, Donum Vitae offers advice and support in pregnancy conflicts as well as the necessary documentation.
You can also contact Caritas , either online or in person. Specialists in Catholic parenting and family counseling are obligated to provide counseling to people in difficult family situations and during separations, regardless of their denomination or religious beliefs.
What is the legal situation in the event of a separation during pregnancy?
You’ll likely remain connected to your child’s father despite the separation. It’s best to prepare for this.
Some pregnant women look for ways to completely exclude the father from their own life and that of their child after the separation.
But that doesn’t work. Even if you live miles apart, he may still have the right to joint custody.
Perhaps you don’t trust the man to be a good father for various reasons? For example, does he have a drinking problem?
However, solid evidence is required in court. Unfortunately, the procedures are often lengthy and unclear.
It doesn’t matter that the child’s father cheated on you with another woman.
Or that he’s neglecting his child from a previous marriage. The child’s father has rights in the new situation, just as you do.
Having a child together connects you, regardless of how you feel about each other. Sometimes it happens that the ex-partner doesn’t want to have anything to do with the child and doesn’t pay child support.
While some women would be incredibly relieved about this, others would despair.
Either way, you should definitely familiarize yourself with the legal situation. Custody and visitation rights, for example, are two different things.
And so it is with the recognition of paternity, even though everything is connected.
Separation during pregnancy – apply for recognition of paternity
In order for your ex-partner to be recognized as the father, he needs your consent according to § 1595 BGB.
If the mother refuses to acknowledge paternity, the biological father has the option of having paternity established by the court in accordance with Section 1600e Paragraph 1 of the German Civil Code (BGB).
Then, according to Section 1684 of the German Civil Code (BGB), he also has a right of access.
Ultimately, every child should have the opportunity to build a bond and relationship with both biological parents.
Even if you take sole custody, the recognized father has visitation rights.
If you fail to acknowledge paternity, the father is not obligated to pay child support, either before or after the child’s birth. Otherwise, he has the following rights and obligations:
• The child will receive maintenance until they complete their education. You are also entitled to maintenance for up to three years after the birth if you care for the child yourself.
• Social and legal claims arise that must be fulfilled.
The child has the right to be covered by the father’s health insurance. He or she is also entitled to an orphan’s pension and inheritance after the father’s death.
• The father has the right to contact with the child, regardless of custody.
• The child can take the father’s surname.
Separation during pregnancy – clarifying custody
If you and your ex-partner were not married before separating during the pregnancy, a custody declaration must be submitted. Otherwise, the mother will initially be entitled to sole custody.
Although a mother must consent to the father’s application for custody , there was a legal reform in this regard in 2013.
This also makes it possible for unmarried fathers to obtain custody.
After all, today it is believed that both parents should take care of their children.
Provided the child’s well-being is not compromised, custody may be granted solely to the father in individual cases.
The child’s father can therefore claim sole custody from the competent family court, even against the mother’s will.
However, this is only permitted if the child’s well-being cannot be guaranteed otherwise.
A mother or father can obtain sole custody if they have mutually decided to do so and both parents agree.
While the mother is automatically granted custody, the father must first have paternity recognized and submit an application for joint custody.
In the child’s best interests, courts generally grant joint custody if there are no reasons to the contrary that endanger the child’s well-being.
These include, for example, alcohol and drug addiction and child abuse.
And what does it even mean to have custody?
In addition to duties, guardians also have rights to make far-reaching decisions for the child , such as:
• to determine the child’s place of residence
• Choose a kindergarten, school or other care facility and register the child there
• to determine religious affiliation and appropriate education
• to manage the child’s assets
• to permit or refuse medical interventions in the child’s best interests if necessary
If you share custody, you must obtain the other parent’s signature for every decision, from a doctor’s visit to a trip abroad.
Although the parents do not have to be in a relationship or live together to have joint custody, if the parents are far apart, courts often grant sole custody to one parent.
Separation from partner during pregnancy – regulating maintenance and financial support
To get a rough idea of how much child support you can expect, consult the Düsseldorf table .
Maintenance depends on the father’s salary. However, not only your child, but you too have a right to maintenance during the child’s first three years.
The Düsseldorf Higher Regional Court continually adjusts the amount.
You can’t claim the money retroactively, so you need to act quickly. You can expect to receive approximately €350 by the time your child turns five.
The height increases with the age of the child.
Please note that the father is also entitled to child benefit from the state.
Half of the amount is therefore deducted from the amount of child support.
If your ex-partner does not pay child support after the birth and paternity has been recognized, you should apply for guardianship at the youth welfare office .
You can receive a maintenance advance as a social benefit from the youth welfare office. This amounts to approximately €170 per month for children up to the age of six.
By the way, it is also a good idea to visit a counseling center to get financial support for things like basic equipment and maternity clothes .
How much money you can expect depends on your salary.
Call your nearest counseling center, report the separation during pregnancy, and ask for an appointment and the documents required for reimbursement.
As a single parent, you have other rights in addition to child support – to child benefit from the state, child supplement, housing benefit, tax relief and household help.
Separation during pregnancy – preparing applications
Pregnancy is also a time of bureaucratic hassle. It’s a good idea to take care of important applications early.
After birth, the baby will demand all of your time and energy.
Ask loved ones to take some work off your hands!
You can also grant someone else a power of attorney to submit the applications.
The following points are important:
• Application for parental leave
• Application for parental allowance
• Application for child benefit
• Birth certificate
It is best to prepare everything you need before the birth.
This also allows you to distract yourself and check off to-do lists. It’s been proven that this is beneficial and beneficial for the human brain.
Collect copies, fill out applications and put everything in appropriate envelopes.
Label these with the correct addresses right away. Leave them open so you can add copies of your birth certificate later.
Once the child is born, all you have to do is pick up the birth certificate and make copies of it for the envelopes.
Otherwise, just seal everything up and take it to the post office and you’re done!
By the way, most pregnancy apps have lists of tips that you can check off.
Separation during pregnancy – Prepare for the postpartum period
After the birth, you come home and suddenly find yourself alone with your baby. What now?
It’s best to have people close to you around when you arrive home. This will help soften the shock.
The postpartum period is a time of healing and building a bond with your baby .
It’s not easy. Many challenges lie ahead for your body and soul. You, in particular, will find it difficult to go without the support of a midwife.
A supportive network is also extremely important. Parents or other relatives nearby, friends, and good neighbors can provide valuable support at this time.
And it doesn’t even take much time or effort…
I can give you these tips:
1. Talk to your friends and ask if someone can do the shopping for the first few days and/or weeks.
In some stores it is also possible to shop online and have the purchased goods delivered to your home.
2. If you haven’t cooked before, the transition after giving birth will be difficult.
It is therefore best to get used to it while you are still pregnant.
Pregnancy and breastfeeding require fresh and healthy food for you just as much as your baby does for itself.
It is best to cook in advance after the birth and freeze the food in portions for yourself.
3. Ask family and friends to cook for you and bring you meals from time to time.
If your mother lives nearby and you have a good relationship, you can certainly count on her cooking skills.
And regularly.
4. If you don’t have a washing machine at home, you will need suitable laundry bags.
To get to the basement or the laundromat with your baby, you can also use a suitcase.
This way you can push and don’t have to carry.
Are you friends with your neighbor and does she have a washing machine or does she go to the laundry herself?
Great, then arrange for her to do your laundry or take it with her.
5. You will need to take your baby for check-ups.
Here, too, company and quiet support will do you good.
This way you avoid feeling desolate because you are traveling alone with your child.
Ask your sister or best friend to accompany you.
6. I have already briefly mentioned above that as a single parent you are entitled to household help.
Check with your health insurance provider. Alternatively, you can also ask family and friends to help you with household chores.
Birth preparation is also important!
As an expectant mother, you should not miss the opportunity to attend a birth preparation course .
It is simply incomparable how safe you feel when a friendly and competent midwife provides information and sensitively answers questions and addresses fears and worries.
Don’t miss out! Perhaps you’re uncomfortable with the idea of attending the class alone among the couples?
Don’t worry, it’s not just for couples! Not every expectant father accompanies his pregnant partner. Or pregnant women may want to attend the course alone.
You’re probably not thinking about giving birth right now, unless you’re about to give birth…
You should definitely write a birth plan .
Consider your options during childbirth.
The more informed you are, the less fear you will have before giving birth.
You certainly don’t want to be completely helpless during childbirth and have to endure things.
Giving birth independently can be a beautiful experience.
If everything goes according to their expectations, women feel incredibly strong during childbirth.
Why should you avoid it?
It is best to show the birth plan to your companion.
You are not obliged to inform your ex-partner about the expected date of birth or the place of delivery.
Maybe you have had an amicable separation and you can communicate well?
In such an ideal case, he will probably also accompany you to your preventative check-ups.
Nevertheless, it is primarily your decision who you want to accompany you during the birth.
You don’t have to please anyone. Not the child’s father, nor your sister, nor your best friend.
If you can best imagine a completely different person and they agree to that, no one should feel offended.
Being an accompaniment during childbirth is no picnic.
This requires proper inner stability and a calm mind.
Ultimately, it is about the wishes and needs of the woman giving birth.
Some women are completely on their own during childbirth, do not need or want any physical contact and would prefer to be left alone.
Others desire closeness and encouragement.
You probably have your own ideas about what this will look like for you.
But you might surprise yourself at birth.
Either way, it is important and good to be accompanied by a loved one who stands up for your wishes.
This way you can concentrate fully on the labor.
Separation during pregnancy – experiences
I did not carry a child after my separation.
Despite a pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, I broke up with my then-boyfriend years ago.
We hadn’t known each other for long, but we both had a strong desire to have children.
Yes, we were both very much in love.
It seemed to be a good fit: we got along well, enjoyed our cultural similarities and differences, and spent our time together meaningfully.
We enjoyed stimulating conversations and shared many similar interests. We particularly enjoyed exchanging ideas in the area of film.
No more contraception
We both tried hard to present ourselves in the best possible light.
He was in his early 40s at the time, and I was just in my late 20s. I was working in another city for a limited period of time due to a project.
But we were no more than 300 kilometers apart.
We hadn’t known each other for six months when we stopped using contraception. Why not, I thought?
After all, it was a good friend of the partner of a good friend of mine.
So it wasn’t just any stranger.
I didn’t have to worry about anything dark from his past surfacing.
And he was just great to me. We all have our quirks and flaws, right?
I had already outgrown my idea of the ideal partner.
After some relationship experiences, I knew that no man would be perfect for me. Of course, I wouldn’t be either.
The first bad premonition came early
So, compromises were the order of the day: I had to accept that my boyfriend valued his personal space.
A long-distance relationship even suited him.
After all, he had been in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend before me for four long years, with no prospect of living together.
Don’t you think that gave me something to think about?
Yes, it did. But I tended to push the thoughts away.
We all have a past.
Over time, our priorities and desires change. And this man loved me.
Yes, those were my thoughts as I got on the bus or train every weekend and went to see him.
He soon got used to spending every weekend with me.
But once, in an argument, he came out with the language:
“Just stay home! I haven’t seen my friends in so long!”
That was exactly on my birthday. And then it came, the first heavy, dark premonition: This person isn’t for me.
Gravely mistaken
But I was still not pregnant.
Why didn’t I use contraception again when I felt so uneasy, you ask?
Because I took responsibility for the rebellion within myself.
I told myself that I was actually taking away his breathing space, not giving him any space, and imposing myself too much.
However, the fact that he didn’t get on the train or in the car himself to come to me hurt.
But he also lived in the city where I was actually at home and was supposed to return.
Where all my friends lived. And yet, in retrospect, it was strange.
Why doesn’t he make more of an effort to approach me?
When I got pregnant completely unexpectedly, it was a huge blow. Unexpected, how could that be?
After a little more than a year, neither he nor I really expected it anymore.
We didn’t talk about fertility, and pregnancy and having children were rarely a topic.
I was probably just stupid back then. Or seriously mistaken.
I was of the opinion that not everything needs to be talked to death.
So many people have children, why should it be any different for us?
We are in love and get along well.
Anyone who expects more is a dreamer.
At that time, I was not yet aware that I had severe fears of loss and separation.
Bad reactions to the positive pregnancy test
I was with my family when my period was late and the pregnancy test came back positive.
I immediately messaged my boyfriend and sent a photo of the test strip.
Strange, I can’t even remember what he said when we spoke on the phone shortly afterwards.
Nothing bad, but something friendly, I know that.
But my mother’s reaction was all the worse. A heated argument broke out between us.
Old wounds and old disappointments were opened.
My behavior was criticized. I was accused of a lack of interest and care for the family…
I couldn’t believe it. I’ve rarely felt so terrible, so misguided, and even rejected.
When I arrived at my boyfriend’s house a few days later, the horror continued.
He, too, showed no real joy, but instead overwhelmed me with his worries and fears, which were mainly of a financial nature.
Egoism instead of willingness to compromise
Yes, he tried to pull himself together later. But quitting smoking never even crossed his mind.
I didn’t ask him to do it. In my opinion, such a decision should come from him and not be forced.
Otherwise I would be the one interfering with his freedom.
In the meantime, I had moved into his apartment.
Although you can’t really call it that. He had tremendous resistance to me moving my things in and redesigning the apartment.
He said he had only been in this apartment for two years and had felt comfortable so far.
I am an adaptable person.
I hold back, suppress my own needs so as not to be a burden.
Of course, this is my problem and my ex was not responsible for it.
But it was already clear to me that he had a slightly selfish streak.
One evening, when he came home from a meeting with friends, he took a small bag of white powder from his desk drawer.
He headed back to the door without saying a word.
“What is that?” I asked. There was no answer.
About a quarter of an hour later, he came back and sat down in the kitchen. I smelled the cigarette smoke.
And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I didn’t care that he had only handed the suspicious package to his friend. I had no idea such a thing was even in the apartment.
And I didn’t even dare to think: in our apartment. Because it was just his apartment.
Most of my stuff was still stored in my best friend’s basement.
In my own apartment, which I fortunately still had, there was a friend who was subtenant.
There really wasn’t a “we” in this relationship. It was mostly about his desires and needs, which he vehemently defended and enforced.
He didn’t take advantage of me and I think he really liked me.
But he just wasn’t ready to invest properly in the relationship.
As long as I conformed, it was all peace and harmony. Otherwise, there was bickering and accusations, from both sides.
I realize that I too have made serious mistakes.
My ex-boyfriend wasn’t to blame for my unfavorable and unresolved behavior patterns and issues.
But he could have done something for my sake that he might not have been 100% in the mood for.
That didn’t happen. But it’s not too much to ask. That’s why it’s called a compromise.
A dream comes to an end
Above all, he should have behaved differently after I became pregnant.
His entire demeanor told me that he wasn’t ready for the role of father. He made no secret of it himself.
When I suffered a miscarriage in the 8th week of pregnancy, he was with me. He went with me to the gynecologist when the doctor finally confirmed the miscarriage.
He took me to the clinic center when I had my curettage appointment.
And he picked me up when the surgery was over and I woke up from the general anesthesia.
The next day I arranged to meet my subtenant for coffee and announced that I needed the property for my own use.
I gave him as much time as he needed to find a new place to live.
That same day, I packed my five things from my boyfriend’s apartment and moved in with my best friend.
My ex-boyfriend was shocked.
I too was surprised by my determination.
But it felt right. Shortly before, I also had this promising dream:
I was on the toilet in the bathroom and my boyfriend rushed in.
He wanted something from me.
I wasn’t even outraged by this sudden, tactless invasion of my privacy.
Infinitely exhausted, I made a circular hand gesture, pointing at the entire apartment.
It was very messy, dusty, and dirty. “I can’t do this anymore,” I said to him, bowing my head.
It hit him like lightning, he couldn’t move.
And so our separation came, similar to a dream.
I was exhausted and numb, he was horrified.
He tried to talk to me and find a solution for several weeks, but I blocked him.
When I arrived at my girlfriend’s place, I finally found myself again.
I felt incredible relief that I was no longer pregnant and only had to take care of myself.
I don’t know how long we would have stayed together if there hadn’t been a miscarriage.
However, the separation was inevitable. I’m absolutely certain of that. I doubt I would have had the courage to end the relationship while heavily pregnant.
But my psychotherapist gave me something to think about during one of my appointments: The psyche is an astonishingly powerful driving force.
Maybe the miscarriage happened because I subconsciously didn’t want the child with this man.
She emphasized, of course, that this is only speculation. However, such cases are still possible.
I’m not the only woman who felt relief after the breakup.
Other pregnant women also feel the same way when they leave a dysfunctional relationship.
I wish all women the courage to listen to their strong gut feeling, even during pregnancy, not to close their eyes to alarming signals and to do the best for their own well-being.
And unfortunately, sometimes that is nothing other than a separation…
Final thoughts
It takes incredible courage to separate during pregnancy.
By this I mean especially the mothers who make such a decision and overcome their fear of being alone.
But of course all pregnant women who are abandoned by their partners for whatever reason must also be courageous.
In other circumstances, such a stroke of fate hits with particular force.
That is why in this article I advise you to seek counseling and therapy.
Separations have to be processed and once the baby is there, there is hardly any time left for that.
Everyone deals with grief and pain differently.
Maybe you enjoy writing? Then keep a journal; it’s incredibly therapeutic.
Or are you an avid yoga practitioner? Then definitely stick with it.
You will also find distraction with many bureaucratic duties.
Here I provide essential information about your rights and those of the child’s father.
You should also prepare for the birth and the postpartum period, no matter how difficult it may be.
Finally, I’ll tell you my personal breakup story.
Although it is associated with a miscarriage, I would like to give you food for thought and encourage you:
If you don’t feel comfortable, there is a clear imbalance in the relationship, and discussions don’t lead to solutions or compromises, then end it.
Sooner or later, separation will happen in such cases anyway.
And the sooner you move on from a dysfunctional relationship, the sooner you’ll feel better again.
And your baby will feel it!
